When Connection Makes You Sick

The past couple of weeks has been interesting and definitely given me an opportunity for personal growth and reflection. My journey with my parents continues as they face significant health challenges. My mom fell and broke her pelvis and was admitted to a rehab facility for several weeks to regain her function. My dad, was left at home heading into the final round of treatment for cancer. The interesting thing is that I could see that a crisis was coming and couldn't do anything to change the course of the inevitable. You see, what I observed was the significant amount of stress that my mom was under and her inability to separate herself from what my dad was going through. At a subconscious level, it was if she needed this crisis in order to change the circumstances of her life. The longer his health issues went on, the sicker she became. It's as if their energy was joined and although I always believed it, I observed the profound impact that one person's energy has on those around them.

Reflecting on my experience with Alzheimer's disease, I think this commonly happens in the relationship between the person with the disease and the care partner. The challenge for the care partner, is how to stay connected, compassionate and present without making yourself sick. How do you maintain detachment when we're all so connected? If I'm being honest, I really didn't do a great job of that when I was going through it. So maybe that's why I have been given another opportunity to practice it with my parents who are currently going through their struggles.

One of the single most helpful things has been the practice of mindfulness. Being mindful has enabled me to be present in the moment without being swept up in the current of worry that arises when  thoughts are focused on the future. In this moment, everything is okay! Even if it's difficult to believe, everything is as it should be. The other great thing about mindfulness, is you learn to get in touch with your own feelings and emotions and observe how they are influenced by your circumstances and the energy of other people. With this increased awareness brings a level of acceptance that may not have been there previously. If you're interested in learning more about mindfulness, Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Gunaratana is a great book.

Now that the crisis is over, I really can see that everything happens for a reason. My mom is more peaceful than she's been in a long time and realizing that she needs to take care of herself. My dad is learning how to cook and I'm reminded that nothing is permanent, which includes both the happy and the sad times.