The "Prickly" Behaviors of Alzheimer's Caregivers

Mark and his mom, Jessie

In my previous post, I talked about the "prickly" behaviors that people with Alzheimer's disease sometimes exhibit. I explained that at times these behaviors may be indicating that the person has an underlying physical problem.

I've also witnessed and been guilty of the odd prickly behavior myself.  The root of these prickly behaviors in caregivers is not physical, rather it's spiritual. I think one of the most common prickly behaviors in caregivers is the struggle to accept the reality of the person experiencing dementia.  We think that our reality is the right one and we attempt to constantly correct the reality of the person with Alzheimer's.

My husband really struggled with this when it came to his mom, Jessie. He is such a kind hearted and honest person that he would often try and impart the "truth"on her and this would often result in her being anxious. On many occasions, especially earlier on in the disease, she would call us repeatedly throughout the day in a panic to come and pick her up to take her home. When I answered the phone, I told her I'd be over after work and we would get it organized then.  She would then calm down until the next phone call. When my husband answered the phone, he would try and explain where she was and why she had to stay there and that he couldn't pick her up. She would then become very anxious and agitated and was clearly suffering. My husband did what a person would normally do in that situation and try and explain. The difference is that Alzheimer's disease is not a normal situation.

I was recently talking with a friend of mine whose neighbor had Alzheimer's and he was often out roaming the neighborhood looking for his dog, which had previously died. Not knowing what to say she'd gently explain that the dog was no longer alive and this would leave him feeling really upset and angry. We talked about another approach which would be to tell him that you'd keep an eye out for the dog and would return the dog home when found.

When we're dealing with Alzheimer's disease we are not dealing in what is rational or what should be.  Our goal is to provide comfort in the moment and in these cases little white lies are gifts to the disease. The kind, loving, compassionate thing to do is to go along with whatever their truth is and realize they are always right.  Jolene Brackey, in her book Creating Moments of Joy for the Person with Alzheimer's or Dementia, described wonderful and creative ways to respond.  As she describes so beautifully, "When a person has short term memory loss, his life is made up of moments.  We are not able to create a perfectly wonderful day with those who have dementia, but it is absolutely attainable to create perfectly wonderful moments."

Maybe learning to be less judgemental and more accepting of peoples perceptions of truth could apply to other areas in our life when Alzheimer's isn't involved.  Perhaps if were more able and willing to accept other people's truths, we would find ourselves being more accepting, more peaceful and experience less conflict. The need to be right is a destructive force in any relationship.

What little white lies, as gifts, have you told and what happened???