Monday 17 February 2014

Does Alzheimer's Change the Definition of Love?

Valentine's Day was just a few days ago and that got me thinking about love and our feelings towards our loved ones who are experiencing dementia. Does Alzheimer's disease change our experience of love?  What is love and how do we define it? It's interesting that you could ask a million different people about how they define love and come up with a million different responses. I think that's why it's so complicated and then you throw Alzheimer's disease into the mix and wow it becomes even more complicated.

I wonder if we would feel more peaceful about our experience with Alzheimer's disease, if we understood how we defined loved and were willing to change the  definition to fit with the circumstances. It is common that love is viewed and experienced in the context of giving and receiving. Although, we know that ideal love is giving without expecting anything in return, if we're being honest most of us are not wired in that way. Love is a connecting and a feeling and Alzheimer's disease changes the connection. The rules of love in this relationship have changed and the very foundation from which our relationship and love was based crumbles. How do we deal with that?

I read a very moving article about a young couple who are facing early- onset Alzheimer's disease in the Dallas Morning News. In the article, the wife whose 37 year old husband has Alzheimer's disease has redefined her definition of love.  Kam Manthe shares, "I honestly think it's situations like this that are true love.... It's all fine and dandy to love someone when they're leaving you romantic notes, when they're sweeping you off your feet.  But this is unconditional love.  This is love you give knowing he can't give anything in return."  Redefining what love looks like in the midst of dementia, would appear to have resulted in finding some peace in the difficult and painful situation. I think it illustrates so beautifully that "clinging" to the past and what has been lost prevents us from finding new ways to define and show love.

Thich Nhat Hanh describes that, "The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers."  What I love about this definition is that it fits for everyone in all circumstances. If you're giving your attention to the person with Alzheimer's disease and you're in the moment with them, that's love in my opinion. Not trying to change anything, just accepting what is. I know that is so hard to do and we struggle with it in our lives at the best of times. I want to share a moving video from a previous post, Love Transcends Alzheimer's and Dementia,  because it shows love in action.

Share your stories of love to inspire others going through a difficult time.